Advice from a...chipmunk?

Ok, I have to say it, the Beyonce/Chipettes song something about "if you like it than you shoulda put a ring on it" shoulda been banned in fifty countries, including this one. I'm not going to go on some feminist tirade about how that song is wrong in every way (it might even be putting a bigger hole in the ozone, who knows), but let me have my peace. Or piece, I guess, if we're talking within the context of the song.

Here's my answer to this f*cking swill tank of a song that little girls across the world are shaking their joe boxer booty to. Except for my little girl, of course, who could give two sh*ts about rings and booty. She still fights me on bath time.

If you like it (or her or him) then you should....

not say anything nasty about its mother! Even if it's true.

feed it a home cooked meal once in awhile.

know when the f*ck to leave it alone. I.e. when it looks grumpy and lethargic.

touch it absentmindedly once in awhile, on the back of the neck, the inside of the arm, the shoulder while you're watching t.v.

share your ice cream with it, even if you hadn't intended to.

give it a nickname that isn't cruel.

make it laugh at the expense of your cool reputation.

not give it ultimatums.

let it know that there's a good chance you'd be miserable without it.

wrestle it in the backyard.

call it out on its sh*t.

tell it that you love it.

know that it, like you, is the most fragile thing on earth.

There Beyonce, and you little cheerleader rodents, if you like it then you better put some reality on it. Save the ring for when you need some cash after the divorce!