Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Warning: Offensive Content about Jesus

I received a press release in my work email folder last week. Let me reiterate, it was my work email folder, where I get stuff for work. Professional stuff. Anyway, the press release was in proper format, everything looked good until I began reading the actual text of the press release. According to Bill So-an-So the second coming of Christ is occurring on May 21st this year...so get ready. Of course, I had lots of questions, my main one being, how the f*ck does this guy know? What, did he get a call? A text? Or just a funny feeling followed by a voice that sounded like Darth Vader booming from the illusive sky?

I told my brother about the "big news." He was slumped over the steering wheel of his truck in the K-Mart parking lot watching the rain fall for the 300000000000 day in a row.

"Hey, did you know that Christ is coming again on May 21st?" I asked. "Better get ready!"

"Well, if that's the case, I'm going to kick him in the throat 'cause this isn't funny anymore."

Perhaps I should've warned you that my family is as humble as we are heathen and irreverent. Not out of malice, but out of struggle.

"Hmm, I don't know if I'd kick him in the throat 'cause I definitely want to hear what he's got to say for himself," I gestured toward a balding woman in a velour jumpsuit walking across the parking lot towards the Dollar Tree.

"Yeah, I'm curious what'd he'd have to say." We both nodded in contemplative silence.

If Christ shows up now, then every Christian church on this planet no longer has job security. Just think of that. God stocks would be down, communion cardboard cracker sales would be down, churches would be empty. It'd be a fiscal mess. Truly. And if he really did show his face (which is supposedly white with a red beard, 'cause that's how they all looked in Jerusalem back in the day: Irish) I wonder what people would have to say.

I almost feel bad for the guy, what a pessimistic place to land. What if the poor bastard (literally, ahem, let's not fight common sense here people) landed in the middle of Detroit or something? His gown flowing, his reddish beard blowing in a gentle, heavenly breeze, a serene (sort of creepy) smile on his face.

"I am here my children."

Can you imagine?! Let's say an unemployed GM factory worker is the first to see him.

"Where the f*ck you been, man?! We're dying here!" Then a swift kick to the throat.

How 'bout we take care of what's right in front of us? Maybe treat the earth as carefully as we treat our souls for that big "just in case" moment. Because while we're waiting for Jesus, Mother Earth is bleeding under our feet.

She needs resurrection more than a white guy (?) in sandals.

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