Thursday, April 22, 2010

What the f*ck do you know?

Every month Oprah publishes a little ditty at the end of her magazine. It is usually some cheese ball one-pager about what she "knows for sure" about life, liberty, the pursuit of money, blah, blah. I got about three months in before I realized that I couldn't stomach the 2-dimensional little quips of wisdom that her editor probably spoon fed her before she put pen to paper. IF she put pen to paper. Maybe, like most life observations, it's not real enough for me to appreciate. And not gritty like I thought Oprah was. It's vague, it could be any one's life, and as you know, I am not interested in any one's life. I want the deep, dark sh*t that everyone is thinking but few dare to say because they think their Momma is reading. Or their husband. Or their wife.
So, thanks to Oprah for inspiring me to contemplate what it is that I know for sure about life as it steams on the plate before me.

1. You can't polish a turd, plain and simple. It's still gonna be a turd no matter what you do to it or how much Chanel you spray on it. So quit trying.

2. You may have to accept that you or someone you love IS that turd. Good luck with that.

3. Your mother was never perfect, no matter how many cookies and costumes she made. You aren't perfect either, but if someone loves you enough, it won't matter.

4. Love doesn't let you pitch in the towel. If you can do it, then it isn't love.

5. There is no shame in having a good f*ck now and then. Why women hate themselves for being good lovers and for needing pleasure is beyond me. Bruise some lips, scream a little (or a lot) and don't go home wearing the coat of shame.

6. When someone says that an emotion is frivolous or unnecessary then they are either 1) envious of your capability of even having emotion or 2) too uptight to read any further. Who the f*ck thinks they can tell you how to feel? It's hilarious.

7. The most fragile people I've known are the ones who seem the strongest and most intelligent.

8. Crying until you're dry actually happens. So does a broken heart.

9. If you're "too good" to laugh then it's too bad for you. The darkest, most ironic moments in life deserve the biggest guffaw. When you're ready, of course.

10. It's OK to show your disdain for other people's pets, especially dogs. You're not impressing anyone if you let a dog jump on you or spend an excessive amount of time near your crotch. Refer to #1 on shedding feelings of shame for hating the dog smell in a house.

That's about it for now. There are more, but these seemed to be the most important for the time being.

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