Friday, May 7, 2010

Tea tagging

After 33 years of blessed resistance, I think I have finally developed allergies. Bad allergies. The kind where, when I wake up in the morning I can feel the popping in my face and the already warm snot getting ready to make an escape.
It's disgusting.
So, I've tried a few remedies and finally had to bite the bullet and give the ol' Zyrtec a try.
I almost found myself face down at the seedling table at the school open house. Zyrtec, apparently, makes men drowsy and small women comatose. Good to know.
It's back to lemon, Zycam, sh*tloads of herbal supplements (I burped Fenugreek yesterday, it was disgusting), honey and tea. And, if all else fails, I will have to suck it up (perhaps literally) and buy the ginger brandy.
Aaahh, memories of childhood.
Aside from the not being able to breath, the most annoying thing about the allergies is having to read the tags on the medicinal tea. Today, for instance, the tag read "Meditation is medicine for the mind." I grunted at that.
"Yeah, so is Clonapin," I muttered into the empty kitchen.
Of course, reading the enlightenment tag instantly inspired me to want to churn out little tea tags of my own, so that instead of nodding in reflective contemplation tea drinkers of my tea will guffaw or cry upon reading the little nuggets of wisdom at the end of the string.
For instance:
"You are guaranteed to be disappointed at least 10 times this week. You will probably cry 4 out of those 10 times."

"Trim your nethers very carefully."

"If it doesn't kill you, then you will still have to pay the bill."

"Same shit, different day. Bigger pile, smaller spoon."

"Remember the wisdom of your father. He was too drunk to remember."

"Don't wait for enlightenment. It doesn't give a f*ck."

You get the drift. I invite other ideas for tea tags at this time. I'm sure by tomorrow morning I will have 500 more, and still be sneezing and snotting and laughing at the ironies.


  1. hmm. fair warning; these are not exactly stunning pieces of wisdom.

    If you need that free lunch, odds are you can't afford it.

    Ever notice how fruit mysteriously ripens by the time you get it home from the store? If you're worried about ageing, move in to the produce section.

    Zebras were probably invented by a photographer.

    Oh, and on a different note, can't remember who it was said that a sneeze is like an orgasm in reverse. So, your allergies .... umm ... never mind.

  2. Tasha, you are, as always, brilliant and sly and adorable.

    Oh, wait, you just gave me an idea for another one:
    "Just remember that sometimes an orgasm IS a race against time."

  3. True. And the [sad] codicil to that is, 'You can't win every race'. :(