Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Watch your plate carefully

I'm not sure if I've written this before, although I am going to make it a point to go through my blogs from the year and see if I can't manage to compile some kind of book.
There is an offer on the table...I'll let you know what happens.
So, if this is redundant, I apologize. Back in the days of being a teacher (which, by the way, is also a mother, life-coach, father, jail warden, nutritionist, preacher, feeder, hater, lover, cheerleader, etc.) I had my students try and compile some kind of life philosophy on the first day of class. A lot of them went something along the lines of "Live every day like it's your last." You know, a cool reckless thought which inevitably follow youth like the blessing plague that it is. I nodded my head at this one, yes, yes, enjoy life to the fullest (as I looked out into the sea of their miserable, pale, sunless faces).
"What's yours?" they asked.
"Don't shit where you eat." There was a stunned silence.
"That's not very exciting."
"It is if you actually forget," I said, sighing a little.
And I still try to follow this rule. You'd think it would be simple. Not so much. There is nothing simple about keeping your grubby fingers away from something you want, maybe even need. It takes restraint, it takes courage, it takes contemplation.
It also takes your mother looking you dead in the eye with her hand on her hip shaking her head in disbelief and saying, "What the f*ck did I say to you?! Don't sh*t where you eat. Did you forget?"
This means:
Don't f*ck your boss, no matter what, ever.

Don't lie to your family, especially not your children. They're on to you.

Don't lie to yourself.

Probably best to avoid having an affair with your best friend's spouse. That usually ends up with at least a bar fight and at best a bad movie.

Don't disrespect your mother. I've heard men talk to their mommas on the phone, oftentimes that was the deal breaker for me. Nobody should say "what the f*ck" to their momma.

Don't use your friends. Just ask, they'll help you out.

So, no matter how badly you want to do something, remember this. Keep it's unglamorous language close to your heart and revel in the truth of it.
Keep them dishes clean.

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