Monday, February 14, 2011

Snarky love

I know what you're thinking, "Where's the jaded blog about how love sucks and Valentine's Day is a pile of Hallmark horsesh*t."

You got it, folks.

Singles' Awareness Day is, in short, a personal nightmare every year. Even for screaming hippie liberals with multi-colored children, the vast echo of singletude can be heard for miles in the human heart. Fortunately, today was Monday and I was naturally miserable anyway and so the sting of VD was a little less, well, sting-y.

But still...the red and pink displays that greet me in the front of the supermarket, the rampant FTD commercials (which I of course have renamed STD) on TV and the sickening heart-bedecked ads for overpriced "lover" meals at local eateries are all sly bitter reminders of my many failed attempts at L-O-V-E.

Several relationships, one marriage and two baby daddies later (and four days from my 34th birthday) I have learned not to expect any magic on this historically bloody, syrupy blip on the Roman calendar.

And, of course, this is the year that I find myself with an equally jaded companion who "gets" my cynicism and may even like me more for it. What can two souls do, who have no respect for the great American day of love?

We make fun of each other and the L.L. Bean-wearing, middle-aged quartet swilling themselves in wine at the table next door. And bemoan our lust/love foibles that got us here in the first place.

"That's us babe," he says shooting a glance to the other table. "Except that guy has more hair than I do."

"Nope, not us, not me anyway," I say, laughing. "I'm not cutting my hair that short. That means I've given up. And I will have my real teeth at that age. I would be devastated without my real teeth."

"That reminds me, did you know that females prefer longer, thicker penises?"

I practically choke on my pasta. Penne, ironically.

"I'm serious. Men with smaller penises are slowly becoming extinct."

"Thank god."

"That's awful. Can you imagine? I feel bad for the poor guy. Goes through life alone, unlaid..."

"Tough world," I say. "Not my problem."

Which reminds me, I need to update my spam filter. Someone named Shanea Obdulia keeps sending me email trying to entice me to make my penis bigger. 100% satisfaction. The spam for hydrocodone from Mr. Guang Li offers the same satisfaction.

Oddly, they are both correct.

Happy VD...


  1. Updating your spam filter is a great idea. It is obviously not for you. I have RoadRunner, and those messages automatically get sent to the "Junk Mail" folder. Sounds like you had a great Valentine's Day. Have a happy birthday.

    Jon Swartz

  2. Thank you, Jon! My VD was interesting, we'll see about the BD. I'm starting to call them anniversaries at this point.