Thursday, February 23, 2012

Stupid girrrrrls

My 11-year-old daughter announced last week that she had a boyfriend. Or, that "Skippy asked me out."

"What'd you say?" I asked, silently crossing my fingers behind my back.

"Um, yes. I like him."

I bowed my head in resigned silence while quickly scanning my memory bank as to what pistol on the market was the most silent yet most accurate.

"So, what does that mean, exactly? What, do you hold hands in the hall now? Or mope around at recess like an Emo couple?"

"It means we eat lunch together more often. I already laid down the ground rules, Mom, relax."

The ground rules? She hasn't even gone through puberty yet and she's already talking about the f***ing ground rules.

"What are those? The 'ground rules'?"

"No physical contact of any kind, basically that's it."

Now that's what I am talkin' about! I guess I won't have to hire a sniper after all. She could just be paying me lip service, but knowing what I know of this impudent child, she doesn't do lip service well. It kills her to be fake. Her eye starts to twitch and she can't keep her right brow from shooting up in jaded disgust. I think she would, like her mother, rather eat sh*t than kiss somebody's ass. No matter what the personal gain.

But still, she has a boyfriend. Or a lunch buddy or whatever you want to call them before their genitals drop and they get a driver's license, job and apartment. And boyfriends tend to carry the "stupid girl" disease so rampant in today's society. I know Anna is at risk for this terrible disease because she announced to my mother and I that Skippy is a "bad boy" and that's what she prefers.

"Papa was a bad boy," my mom chimed in. "He had a brown leather jacket and a motorcycle and I thought that was so cool. Your mom likes bad boys, too."

I almost punched her. This was a "do as I say, not as I do moment" and she blew it. UP.

So, what is a stupid girl, exactly?

Before I go any further, by the way, I will admit that I carry this disease. It has, thankfully, gone into remission for the time being, but it lurks, and I can feel its rise every so often.

A stupid girl, for starters, cannot stand to wake up alone. She is the one who dreams of the knight in shining armor and will bring the armor suit around with her, trying to force the breast plate over puffed out chests; cram the helmet on a big head or watch a small head swim in it; she will even go so far as to build a king's pedestal (or a white horse, whatever works) and throw a giant heap of shit up there in the hopes of crowning it at some point with a ceremony. This ceremony often comes in the shape of an overpriced, crinoline and frosting coated party, also known as a wedding.
Once the king and queen are crowned, there is an awful void of reality which stupid girl must fill if she is to keep the gnawing feeling from tearing her guts apart. Then comes baby, 'cause that'll fix everything, right?

Other stupid girl species include the girl who makes bracelets out of man beads, adding one bead at a time, no matter how despicable (or how wonderful). The beads are notches really, in a tight-fitting, f*cked up belt that only looks good when you're drunk or self-loathing.
Now don't be fooled, stupid girl may have an excellent education, a good job, the experience of years, nice family, you name it. But in the end, she cannot be alone in her intelligence. She cannot laugh at herself. She hates the way her stomach creases when she sits down at the dinner table, as if this is somehow a measure of her value as a human. She clings to the odd belief that happiness comes from Real Simple magazine and that true love does conquer all.


Here's what this stupid girl learned from being stupid:

1) Never, ever f*ck anyone because you feel sorry for him (or her).
2) Earn your own cash. Whether it's selling kitchen supplies, landscaping, high-power corporate swinging, tarot readings, whatever, just make sure you can make your own way. This world is changing, better prep your daughters for that now.
3) Natural birth and breastfeeding your kid for 5 years do not make you a better mother or more of a woman.
4) Big, strong thighs get you places.
5) Laughter is the best medicine, don't take yourself so goddamn seriously.
6) Feeling embarassed about your period is useless, it's gonna happen. So is menopause. And childbirth. Nothin' you can do but bleed, sweat, bleed and sweat some more.
7) Speak up, 'cause nobody else is going to speak for you.
8) "The Obvious" usually carries a sledgehammer, it does not like to be ignored.
9) Whatever you say while your kids are in the car, they will surely repeat at school.
10) Gas is a part of life.
11) Heartache is worth a good cry, not criticism. Very unprofessional.
12) Size does matter.

I know I will be eating my words at some point. That's what smart stupid girls do. Fortunately, I know who to invite to share the meal with.

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