Monday, February 27, 2012

Green flag booty

We've been kind of excited around here (at least Anna and I have been excited) about this year's Daytona 500. What woman wouldn't be? There's a girl in a bright green car and we want her to win, maybe show the boys how it's done. Admittedly, NASCAR is a tough sport for most feminists to contend with, but I will take what I can get. A few years ago, I was not above using Eight Belles, the big filly at the Kentucky Derby, as my sports mascot. That is, until she broke both front ankles and had to be put down on the track right after coming in second...
Anyway, back to the chick with the race car. So, Danica Patrick. She's competitive, serious, charitable, drug-free--Everything you could want in an athlete. Anna wanted to see pictures/footage of Danica's previous races so we used trusty Google to get some info.

Big mistake. Big, disappointing mistake.

The first six photos were of her in her racing suit, bright green. And her car, also bright green, and sponsored by Go Daddy.

The next 500 pics displayed a young woman in a string bikini barely covering her ass. Her poses were typical; chest out, legs splayed, skin oiled like a new saddle. Think Playboy without the nipples. Anna looked at me, then looked at the photos, then looked at me.

"Where the hell are all her clothes?!" she asked, shaking her head.
"Good question. Maybe they burned up in the qualifiers."

I didn't want to believe it. In the hopes that it was all just media crap and Photoshop gone wild, I took a stroll to Danica's official website.

Another big freakin' mistake.

Her site looked and read more like a singles ad than an official sports figure. There she was, all 100 pounds of her (that little tidbit was the second number displayed in her profile, the first is her height, which is apparently 5"2') decked out in black leather shorts and a bling-bling black tank top. According to the "Danica File" as it is so named, her off-track "credentials" are as equally impressive as her "on-track" resume. These credentials include "gracing" the cover of Sports Illustrated (Swimsuit Edition 2008, of course), SHAPE and ESPN, the Magazine. She has also "starred" in two Go Daddy commercials. One in which she is clad in lingerie as a dream and the other in which she and Jillian Michaels (supposedly America's toughest trainer) are applying body paint to a naked model (like live woman, we're talking here). At the end of the commercial the "artists" step back and realize that for all their hard work, they "missed a spot."

After my traumatic navigation through Danica's official site, I had to, for comparison's sake, visit Dale Jr.'s page. Of course, he was not wearing a bikini. In fact, I didn't see much skin on little Earnie. Most of his pics were of his car, or him suited up and at a press conference. There was a cute one of the dog, too.

No skin, no sex, no objects, just an all-around nice guy with some pretty impressive racing stats.

And yesterday, during the pre-race hubbub, all three announcers referred to Danica Patrick, professional racer, as "sweetheart."

It is now noon on Monday, the race is slated for 7:00 p.m. tonight on FOX (shiver, I know, FOX, ugh). I still want Danica to win, but the wind is almost gone from my sails. I can only imagine the flesh-eating, objectifying commercial offers she will get (and most likely take) if she is the first to meet the checkered flag.

Apparently, the race is still on, and we are still way behind.

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