For your age

For the first time in my adult life (please stand by for a full definition of adult) I purchased a bed for myself this evening. Now, like all self-sufficient (see earlier blog post) women who pride themselves on being tough and immune to pain and suffering, blah, blah, blah, I went into the mattress store with one thing in mind, the very same thing that my father had in mind when he purchased his first mattress.
"I want a good firm mattress, not too pricey, and a box spring, again, not too pricey."
The sales manager, who could've been the love child of Brad Pitt and a garden gnome, gave me a knowing smile.
"That's what my mother would say," he said. I wanted to punch his face in but I was too tired.
"Well," he said, "We have a couple of different models." He led me to a queen bed in the corner of the store.
"Go ahead, give it a shot."
I lowered myself reluctantly on to the bed. No trumpets blared, I did not have an orgasm nor did I see the likeness of Christ in the shadow of the ceiling.
"This one's good." I shrugged my shoulders and flashed a one-sided, eyebrow up smile.
"Can I just say, that I think you need a softer mattress?" This little guy was persistent. I allowed him to lead me to a "mattress" tester. Of course, there was a little survey I had to fill out before the machine analyzed my "mattress type."
"OK, Nichole, how old are you?"
I mumbled my age.
"Wow, you look amazing for 43!"
"I said 33."
"Oh, well," he said with much less enthusiasm, "I had you pegged at 30."
Douche.
After going through the age, height and, you guessed it, weight details, we moved on to pain.
"Do you experience any pain when you sleep?"
I wanted to put my head on his tiny shoulder and weep. Do I experience pain when I sleep? Of course, the options on the survey had nothing to do with bleeding souls, gnashed hearts or eyes gouged by tear-salt.
"Mostly my back, all of it, my shoulders, both, and my neck."
His eyes got really wide.
"I was in a car accident," I could feel him judging.
It was time for the machine to tell me what the f*ck I should be sleeping on for the next 50 years.
Guess what? Soft mattress. And so, after trying out a few (I got playful by the fifth one, jumping a little, giggling. He laughed nervously and reminded me that I still had my cowboy boots on and could I be mindful of that) I settled on a mattress, just for me.
It's coming on Saturday.
I wonder if the mattress will make me a softer person. It's a lot of pressure for a mattress, I know, but here's to hoping!
As an aside, I moved some of my furniture today, into the new place, the home. I was sweeping sh*t off the table, tearing sheets off the bed, frenzied as usual until my friend Nick, who was kind enough to help, said, "Nichole, relax, there's no rush."
Simple words from a smart man.