Friday, February 26, 2010

Pamphlematic

I can't help perusing the shopper pamphlets that are jammed in the mailbox every week. Of course, there are no real jobs in the help wanted section. Just work from home make a grand scams where they want you to fill out 500 surveys and then suddenly your inbox is inundated with spam. Then, there are the volunteer positions at local animal shelters, 'cause that's what I wanna do with my time as a I slowly starve to death. Work with dogs and cats who get generous food donations, blankets and someone to love them and take them out every hour to take a sh*t. Gotta love America.
So, back to the shopper mags. I am looking now at a Rite Aid insert and have found amusement in almost every deal promising to change your life because it's only 99 cents. Yeah, it's gonna take more than that to tip this sh*tboat on its head, let me be honest. Here are some of the deals I've found to be among the most optimistic in terms of product versus how product is advertised.
"Poise Pads and Depends--30-60 count" is labelled a "RED HOT SPECIAL", with little flames coming off of the letters. I am certain that the only thing red hot about that is if an elderly person got carried away with onions the night before at dinner time, around 5 p.m.

"Fill Up & FUEL Up" Apparently if you get your prescriptions switched to Rite Aid, they will give you $25 and a chance to win free gas for a year. That means you can buy the Benzos for awhile and the rest of your scripts you can go to Hudson for, without having to worry about filling the tank every time you run out of illegal aderall, etc.

Now there is a product called "Adult Acnomel" for supposed grown ups with acne. This one comes with a healthy rebate because it is $6.99--the rebate is, of course for the 99 cents (once again). No word as to the cause of adult acne, but I think it has something to do with increased obesity, insurmountable stress levels due to joblessness, and just a general feeling of "when will this f*cking end."

My most favorite product in the pamphlet, shopper, whatever you want to call it is, and I quote verbatim, "Anti-Monkey Butt Powder". I'm not really sure what it is because the product description seems a bit reticent. I can deduce from the microscopic words "friction fighter and sweat absorber" that this can only be a product for someone who insists on wearing a thong that is too tight, and has been for several years.
And yes, there is a picture of a monkey with two giant red balloon like butt cheeks. Awesome.

I think my next invention will be "Anti-Ass Brain Powder."

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