Monday, November 23, 2009

Another planet

You ever get the feeling that people think your entire life revolves around them? Yeah, me, too. Of course, with my kids it's different. My entire life does revolve around them, that's why I'm insanely miserable or insanely happy depending on Anna's mood and how many times Lucian asks for a gun or a pocketknife for Christmas. That little bastard is tenacious! It begins usually around 5:50 a.m.
"Mom, I can't find my shooter thing."
"What time is it?"
"Um (trips on his way to the clock, knocks over the glass of water that was on the night stand which then soaks the floor and the book I was reading the night before)...oh damnit, um, 5 something."

"Lucian, I swear to god, do not come in here before 6:30 or I'm going to torch your toys in the burn pile."
"Okay, I'll wait."

5 minutes later, the exact same conversation occurs, and then 5 minutes later...until finally, because I'm afraid I will jump from my warm corner of the bed and obliterate my own flesh and blood, I get up, put on a pot of coffee, and let my blood get to a reasonable non-boiling temperature. I DO NOT however go and find his stupid, effin, g.i. joe shooter toy.
So, yeah, my life does revolve around the kids. Anna's play rehearsals, the mood swings that followed said rehearsals, and then the two performances where all we did was get the picture.
So why, in the thick of this mess of self-sacrifice and somewhat crippling anger and anxiety, would other people, adults mostly, think that my life, too, revolves around them? Holy sh*t, get a clue. I can barely suck back a cup of cold coffee before I have story deadlines, editing deadlines, life deadlines, all looming right there, not to mention intensive and crippling psychotherapy for my "anxiety problem", 'cause I just love dredging up the toxic river of my brain...Why, amid all this, would I give a flying f*** about other problems? I know it sounds awful, and I put on a good show, but seriously! Ok, so, sorry your kid doesn't like whole grain crackers, and yes, it is too bad about your dog's lyme disease, and oops, sorry I couldn't drop everything and rescue you again because your effin truck broke down!
Sorry, too busy trying not to blow my own head off with a marshmallow bow and an arrow set. Sorry, too busy trying to figure out how the F*** we're going to have a balanced meal this evening, if a meal at all.
So sorry that you had to skip your hair appointment. No, we couldn't invite everyone because our immediate family alone totals over 25 dysfunctional people crammed into a public space....
Who has time to think about this shit?!
Sigh....ok, back to earth. I do care, but not in the way that others think I should care, and that's the problem. Do they care that only in April I was in the hospital with stress-related heart spasms? Do they care that for over a year I've had mono and have like 2 red blood cells? How about the fact that Jon and I have been separated? Anyone give a shit? Or that I haven't slept in months? Or get the point. Oh, yes, and thanks for asking, really, I appreciate it. Really, thanks, and thanks for calling on the weekends always before 7:30, because it fits your schedule, really, I live for you.
And you wonder why people drink....fortunately I haven't been able to afford bourbon in months, so, coffee it is. Always coffee. Sorry for the rant, but I'm assuming that this might strike a chord in some of you. I feel like people, even those who claim to love us, are just going through life on autopilot and pushing their giant piles of shit on loved ones, a little at a time, not even seeing the damage or the potential for damage. I should invent a bumper sticker "Get Present!"

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