Monday, November 16, 2009

Learning from experience

Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Or maybe some of you. Or like two of you. The birthday report. Ye-es, you heard me. Lucian's birthday was this weekend and, like idiots, we decided to have his party at the local bowling alley. Two words; Holy Shit. Actually, three words; Holy f***ing Shit. For starters, it was pouring rain on Saturday, the infamous day. By the time Anna and I got the cake, the balloons, the mini-marshmallows (for Lucian's new high-powered bow, more on that later) we were drenched and miserable. And this was before the party even started. Of course, everyone, including the birthday boy, was about 15 minutes late. During that 15 minutes I started to have a panic attack, what if I told everyone the wrong date?
They showed, in one big dysfunctional drove. It was chaos and cake. Sounds a little like a Fleetwood Mac song. The guest list was extensive, and I am thankful now that not everyone showed up. But those who did arrive did not disappoint. I think I will list them by character, like an Arthur Miller play.
Cast of Characters
Nichole--early thirties, drawn face, shits herself at even the mention of responsibility

Anna--a child of about 8, but appears older because of the constant scowl on her face and the fact that she is almost as tall as her mother, Nichole

Jon--Estranged and/or non-estranged husband of Nichole depending on her mood. Mid-thirties, has been wearing the same plaid shirt for ten years

Lucian--Birthday boy of six, pale as the moon, wearing an oversized basketball jersey which seems ironic given that his sister is black and he is not even close

Nana--very small, big-haired mother of Nichole who dresses well but walks like Sponge Bob when wearing the wrong shoes

Papa--Nana's estranged and/or unestranged husband depending on HER mood, has also been wearing the same plaid shirt for ten years, has an amused look on his face during the entire party

Jason--fake name for Nichole's younger brother, who looks like DeNiro in Taxi Driver, has arrived with Nana because he has no working vehicle that he can legally transport his children in.

Jason, Jr.--Also part of the Nana train, ironic kid with very big teeth that have been discussed at length at family functions

Maria--younger sister of Jason Jr, blonde, blue-eyed, entertains real dreams of becoming a princess, even while in a shitty bowling alley

Whitney and the girls--best friend of Nichole, arrived with a big smile and an extra kid, pressed small green case into Nichole's hand, turns out it was the gift that keeps on giving; Ativan

I don't remember the rest. However, there were a few notable instances, one of which was when Mags, Whitney's 3-year-old daughter, wound up and punched "Rave", Jon's 40-year-old mentally disabled brother.
"He was in her face," was the consensus reached by the adults (if you want to call us that).
Also, Anna and Zelda (Whitney's 8-year-old daughter) snuck into the abandoned mini-golf room and wrecked the place with abandon. I ushered them out quickly before the dollar amount could be tallied.
Also, Will, Jon's very large father (supposedly it's all due to the steroids, sure, sure) sat on an amplifier the whole time. I kept glancing over to see if the thing would break. Thank god, it had a little give. But not enought to prevent me from having the anxiety shits mentioned above.
I wish I could say it went off without a hitch, but then, I wouldn't be writing this blog, so....
Dinner was lasagna and wine, and a little lettuce. From what I can recall.

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