My father felt compelled to give me a plate full of food that was more the size of a charger, or an Olympic frisbee. Of course, I got halfway through the food and felt my nose get hot and watery. That's when I knew to stop eating. Immediately. Not a big fan of stuffing myself into a friggin' coma. More about the wine and observing the dysfunction from afar.
Now that was fun.
Since it's thanksgiving and I am still, somehow alive, and the kids have not been left on the side of the road after their post-pie behavior fiasco, I think I will compose a list of reasons as to why I am thankful today.
1) The red wine was abundant and strong (Malbec...)
2) When the red wine didn't work, the rum was a nice back-up (fiery, though).
3) The personal vendettas were forgotten the second the mashed potatoes worked their impossible-to-digest magic.
4) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is a family classic, to this day. "Can't see the line, can ya Russ?"
5) I have not found any more snot art on the walls.
6) My kids are not in diapers, praise Jesus.
7) I'm getting laid more than the Pilgrims did.
8) No pending heart surgeries for anyone, so far...
9) My 80-year-old grandmother still wears high heels to Thanksgiving dinner, sty-yle.
10) We are cooking our own turkey that was NOT injected 2 billion times with saline
11) I am not pregnant and never will be again!!!!
12) They did not turn the electricity off today.
That's about it. There's more, but I need some rum to finish the list.
This is a darkly humorous bit about life as a rural mother and freelance writer in Western Massachusetts. Little Appalachia, if you will. The title, I feel, clearly reflects how life is coming at me like an overloaded freight train, and my own ridiculous response to it. Me VERSUS all; teenage children, people who want me to work for free, conservative government, food karma, weird menfolk. You'll either laugh, shrug your shoulders, or call DSS immediately. Happy reading.
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