Thursday, November 5, 2009

lol or col

It is amazing what happens in a therapist's office. In fact, I'm surprised they don't line the room with a giant garbage bag and strip it after each patient gets done unloading their lives. Just think of the fluids that are spilled in that setting. Snot, tears, blood, maybe a little piss, and god knows what else.
Yeah, a giant garbage bag seems about right. And a giant lemonade tap jar filled with bourbon, I mean, just as a safety net.
I guess that would be counterproductive to many of the patients. But still, if you're going to have a breakthrough, a drink seems like a natural progression from there.
Gee, is it obvious that I saw my therapist this morning?
In other news, I am a little (read A LOT) worried about Anna's rapid ascent into puberty. She wears the 8-year-old facade very well, but then, as we're laughing about fart jokes I notice that her b.o. is so bad I almost gag. How do you go about telling your third grader she needs to pile on the Tom's of Maine from here out?
And how do you tell her you think she might need to wear tighter undershirts UNDER her karate t-shirts? The changes are endless, and the questions are even more so. A few weeks ago she announced that she finally know what sex meant.
I choked on my coffee and in my calmest WTF voice asked, "Oh yeah, what does it mean then?" The whole time praying she would be wrong. Dead wrong.
She was actually half-right.
"It's when you make out...a lot." Pause "When you're wearing a bikini."
Giant swig of coffee, phew, crisis averted.
"Yeah something like that." I continued to pack the lunch bags nonchalantly, trying to remember if I still had that two-piece stringy deal from college.
"And do you know what making out is?"
Lucian looked up from his Lego tower, "What," he asked.
"It's when you...."
"Ok, time to go, get your backpacks."
My 5-year-old cannot know this stuff, not for at least 2 more years. Anna dropped the conversation in favor of throwing a sock at her brother.
For dinner, no talking about sex, and Chinese food which I am currently ingesting too fast and will probably regret it in an hour or less.

No comments:

Post a Comment