Monday, November 2, 2009

Lost in translation

I am wolfing down a sandwich in my mother's house right now. I had too much coffee this morning and I have the shakes, I'm hoping the sandwich will absorb some of the caffeine in my guts.
When I walked in to the house my mom was in the middle of a smile, which soon erupted into her quiet, cover the mouth, can't breathe laughter.
"What's up, ma?"
"You won't believe...I called K-Mart today to see if they had any folding cots."
"Yeah, and..." I had a feeling I knew where she was going, I already started laughing.
"Well, there must have been some Indian guy on the other line because I asked him if they had any and he said 'Excuse me, ma'am, folding cock, can you give me more information.'"
"Oh my god," I was dying at this point, "What'd you say?!"
"Nothing! What could I say? I couldn't stop laughing. I think I said thank you and then hung up."
"Are you sure it was the right number?"
"I freakin' hope so!"
So, note to self, K-Mart does not carry folding cocks. What a bummer. I actually thought that all cocks folded eventually, in the end.
I do live for these little language gaffes and manipulations. Last night I was having dinner with my friend Whitney and the kids and somehow, I don't know if it was the hamburgers, the humor, the fact that we are so broke we are rationing cereal and tampons, but we started to sing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin and destroyed the lyrics. I mean destroyed them, adding bits about bleeding to death (we are still non-menopausal, so all periods ago, every month for 20 years now, 30 years for her), not getting laid, missing IUD's. My favorite lyric "No one will touch me now or f**k me now because I'm alway blee-eeding. A whole new world....."
See, I can't be around people, not in public and not for that long anyway.
For dinner, hamburgers, old peas and rice cooked with two expired boullion cubes. Hey the kids ate it and we got to sing a cool song.

1 comment:

  1. Absolutely fucking love it. I can't believe you remembered the lyrics! Impressive (okay, just blew my anonymity didn't I?)