Monday, December 7, 2009

Morning wood

Well, it's official. Winter is here. How do I know? Well, for starters I am constantly negotiating the giant pieces of wood that are somehow supposed to fit in the woodstove. Oh, yes, and they are ash so lifting just two pieces is a compromise of vertebrae and sometimes rectum depending on the coffee intake that morning. Also, it is time then to put the water heater into the horse's giant bucket so that the poor bastard won't get cholic or just become completely dehydrated (ironically in the middle of winter!). That was a treat, navigating a giant extension cord through my grandmother's garage that has accumulated 45 years worth of garden statuary, various wicker items (most of which are rotting), a 400-year-old workbench that may sponaneously combust, nails sticking out of every stud, one of which may have given me tetanus, and, of course, the lingering smell of dead mice and dog shit because her annoying little sheltie thinks it's fun to crap by the garage door.
And I haven't even gotten to the hooking up part, and breaking the ice with the end of a broom and my boot. This followed by nearly electrocuting myself because the heater shorted as I put it into the icy water. Then the 12 trips with a 5-gallon bucket filled with water, half of which sloshed over my jeans and froze instantly to my legs.
I love country life.
In other news, my dog, the bigger stupider one, puked his head off last night. Couldn't figure out what the problem was until late this morning when I spotted something shiny in his disgusting dog bed. A f***ing embroidery needle. I have no idea where he got it, or how, but that is what the stupid a**hole was choking on. My first thought was, "Well, if he has more in his guts I'm going to have to call Josh [my older brother who is a hunter, of sorts] to come shoot him because I don't have the money to take him to the vet."
Then, of course, I mapped out my dialogue with the kids, explaining why there are bloodstains all over the deck and why Bo is suddenly m.i.a. and why there is a fresh mound of dirt piled out by the tracks.
He seems fine, I'll let you know if anything changes. I'm waiting for him to hurl up a sewing machine tonite.

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