Wednesday, January 27, 2010


We have two bloodhounds and I swear they are the DUMBEST creatures, besides Skinheads and infidel politicians, that I have ever seen. Three times today I caught Ruby, dumb bloodhound #1 with her giant paws draped over the sink, her head bent over a mayonnaise jar that was soaking. She was drinking mayonnaise water. Just saying it makes me want to gag. And she did it three f***ing times!!! By the last time I grabbed a plastic bowling pin that Lucian kindly left in the middle of the living room and bopped her on the head with it. Even then, she took her time getting down. Again, this is why I have a 'script for nitro in my medicine cabinet. I get enraged and then there is no turning around for me, even at 32 years old. Just fabulous.
After I beat the hell out of the dog and dumped the aforesaid mayo water I went to get the kids. We weren't even in the car 5 minutes when Anna piped up with one of her little third-grade profundities.
"Hey, you know how sometimes a boy's penis swells up?"
OH MY F***ING GOD, play it cool, Nichole, play it cool girl.
"Um yeah, what about it, Anna?"
Don't go off the road, keep your voice level, OH MY F***ING GOD!
"Well, I think that's why high school boys wear baggy pants a lot. So that when that happens, they don't have to worry. What do you think?"
"You might be right, Anna. But I wouldn't point that out to your friends at school."
"Why do boys' penises sw..."
"Oop, we're home. Here we are. Don't forget to take your book bags out of the car, OK?"

Crisis averted, at least for now. And how does one answer that question. Why do they swell, because they're dicks, that's why.

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