Thursday, October 1, 2009

diamonds are a girl's best friend

I have a foul mouth, probably to match my mind. Some of the kinder people in my life call it my honesty, my no bullshit attitude, my strength, ha!!! It's cute, it really is. I do get a sick rush of mischievious joy when people wince at my jokes, but then they smile this weird, Vaseline-y (yes, I used Vaseline-y on purpose) smile and make like everything's cool. But it's not, of course. They'll go home and over their kitchen sinks while they finish up the night's dishes they'll say something like "let's not hang out with her again" or "does she know how offensive that was?"
Prudes. They're clearly not getting laid properly and so, the Vaseline thing works on all counts.
So anyway, my own children, whose budding senses of humor are nothing short of impressive, have begun to recognize my facial preparation for inappropriate language and conversation.
I was doing the dishes tonite (I f***ing hate doing dishes, hate it, hate it) and I dropped a mug back into the sink. Lucian looked up from his G.I. Joe action figure (yes, I let my kid play with war toys. You think giving your kid a wooden Waldorf toy is actually going to stop him from turning it into a gun or a battering ram, think again, man). He looked up, pointed his finger at me and said, "Don't do it, Mom!"
"Do what?" I asked innocently.
"Don't say f**k."
"How do you know I was going to say anything?" Again, innocently.
"Because I can see those little diamonds in your eyes," he replied.
Then he shot off the little plastic bazooka and chased the artillery into the hallway.
Little diamonds in my eyes. I wonder what I look like when I'm about to, you know.....
Sparkle, sparkle.
Oh yes, the meal, leftover pasta (night three), water, applesauce.
I am eating popcorn for dinner, to be chased by an iron supplement.


  1. We need to find out how we can find someone to pay you for this!

  2. That would be great, considering I'm always broke, but always FUNNY!!! Go figure, misery makes me smile...