Wednesday, October 28, 2009

hiatus, not to be confused with vacation

First off, let me apologize to my loyal fans who have clearly been waiting for the next post. I was not in Tuscany getting ravished by a tall-dark-and-handsome, nor was I in Peru chewing coca leaves and waiting for my higher power.
Nope, life just got the best of me this week, but now things are back on track. I might add that I am writing to you from the Marketplace Cafe. They have been VERY tolerant of my constant presence here, once they figured out I wasn't schizo, nor did I want my coffee for free.
They hook me up once in awhile when I'm looking worn and about to cry. I guess they don't want me to make a scene. Trust me, writers MAKE SCENES.
I am keeping a mental tally of how many times I use the words "douche bag" "c*nt" and "f**k followed by whatever noun seems appropriate, head, face, him, whatever".
As you can imagine, the tally is very high, however, in my defense, I am saying "like" a lot less. And I am proud of it. Like sounds stupid, "fuckface" sounds passionate, at least.
Speaking of language, I might also point out a creative replacement for "bitch" that my friend Whitney introduced to me, "c*nt lip". Has a nice ring to it. No pun intended.
Speaking of Whitney (wow, what a cheap 10th grade trick, using "speaking of" as a way to transition between topics, sorry!), she LEFT ME at a cafe with her FWB. For those of you not on the meat market and/or not getting laid, FWB is Friend With Benefits. Yeah, you heard me, left me in a cafe with this tall, gangly, recently sober guy who I barely know. In fact the only mode through which I know him is sarcasm, so...
Well, I made fun of his capppucino and then he asked me to come to dinner with him. What could I say, he knows I'm not "doing anything" on my off weeks. Of course, dinner was at the only diner in town and everyone and their mother was their for pasta night. I wanted to scream "THIS is not a date!!!!" but that seemed too blatant and desparate. Who knows, I'm sure the talk is already piping through this tiny town. Oh well, let 'em talk, it'll give 'em something to do when they're plopped on their asses watching 20/20 and secretly hating the way their spouse breathes...
He bought me a salad, sketched out his life story, and then flirted with the waitress the whole time. I was relieved.
As I am sitting here, I am listening to the most arrogant, dirty old man complete with tweed jacket and elbow patches blow smoke up the ass of a beautiful woman he has lured to the table out of pity. Oh well, she'll learn!
Meals have been sporadic, although I did just eat an amazing grilled cheese sandwich. Last night I had Excedrin migraine, brandy, a cigarette, and crackers. It was a bad night.

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